COMMENT WALL
Find my portfolio here!
Introduction to My Dream Life
All About Me Hello! My name is Bailey DeFilippo. I am a senior political science major. I chose to be a political science major because I wanted to go into federal law enforcement. I have recently changed my academic course and I have decided to go to graduate school next year for social work. I am hoping to be accepted into the Garland School of Social Work at Baylor University. After completing graduate school I would like to go into clinical social work and work with underprivileged children. Some things that I enjoy are: listening to both country and christian music, watching Friends on Netflix, and spending time with my fiancé and my family. I also enjoy watching my younger brother play basketball and baseball. He has just signed to play baseball at Northern Oklahoma College in Tonkawa, Oklahoma. We are all very proud of Chase! I also enjoy traveling with my family. About a year ago, my parent bought an R...
I really enjoyed your first story! I thought it was interesting to see how Julia was fearful and excited for things. One thing you might try to do for a revision is just double check a few grammar things and I think you left a couple words out in some sentences. I think the picture that you chose for the first story is perfect for the setting you described. One thing I was wondering is if there is something that will shake up Julia since in the ending she is getting comfortable and everything is going well. One aspect that I really enjoy in your story is the detail you put into describing both the setting and the emotions. I feel you make it easy to picture the events as a reader. I was wondering what if you were to give her a friend to meet in the story since New York could be scary all alone? Overall I really enjoyed your project and can't wait for another story.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this story with us! I genuinely was hooked the entire time, way to adapt to the reader! I enjoyed the way you shaped the characters and how they evolved over the text and as the plot developed. The character of Julia specifically stood out to me and the way you allowed her to really flourish as an adventurer and personhood. The dialogue was nicely put and the vernacular you used was super relevant to the style of the story! I thought the ending was very creative and think you should write your stories more with that style of ending. The twist on the original was awesome and I thought it went well. Thank you for sharing this with us! I hope to read more of your work in the near future. Have a great week 8!
ReplyDeleteHey there, Bailey!
ReplyDeleteI think you are off to a great start with your storybook project. I think that the cover page is always an important part of the storybook itself. I always like to see an image that is great to look at and gives the storybook a clean look. I think you did a good job hitting both of those points. I really like you how start your story with background information. It gives the reader a better sense of what story is taking place. I also really liked how you constantly provided insight concerning Julia's mindset and how she was feeling about the big move. I liked how the story shifted to a more positive note as Julia begins to establish her story. I was very excited when I realized that you had incorporated the Friends theme into your story. I can imagine that Joey was the one that approached Julia. I am really looking forward to what you will do next with your storybook. I will check back here soon to see what is taking place!
Hello Bailey.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your idea for how to change your story. A writer moving to New York from a small town, does not seem like it would have much in common, but it works very well. As I was reading your story I got the show Friends vibe, and I am happy to see that that is what you were going through. You did a really good of making your story descriptive and sharing what Julia's thoughts were. One thing that I though could be improved was the narration style of your story. The whole story read kind of like a quick introduction, and this made the story a bit weird to read. Overall I thought your story was really good. I also liked how you kept your story light and happy. I liked this a lot more than the original ending. I am looking forward to seeing what else you will write.
Hey Bailey!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a cute story. I think it still captures the fear and timidness of the original story, but in a completely different way. It seemed like the lion was portrayed by Julia's father, which I also really liked. I think your story could use a few more similarities to "The Foolish, Timid Rabbit." While I do like that you've made it so different, I think its almost too different to see the connections. Maybe you could write a part where she gets frightened by the new people at first, then eventually realizes there was nothing to be afraid of. The big thing that your website is missing is an introduction. Right now I don't really know where your story is headed. Will you keep using Julia as your protagonist? Is the story she's writing actually the Ramayana or the Jataka Tales? There is a lot that you can do going from this story, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hi Bailey!
ReplyDeleteYour first story was so cute, I liked that you showed the timidness of the original rabbit, but that Julia was able to overcome that to chase her dreams. Her father as the wise figure was also a nice touch. I might try to make the narrative a little more active, as it felt like there were a lot of short sentences that ended abruptly, so maybe just work on pulling those together some.
Your second story was nice as well, I like your continuation with the Friends theme! Again, maybe just work on reading your story out loud to help with changing sentence structure and flow to make the narration more variable and active.
Something to think about is adding a bit of a description on your homepage to capture what all of your stories are going to be about. You can describe that you're going to be using the show Friends as an inspiration to tell the stories of different Indian Epics, etc., just so the reader knows what they're getting into!
Hey Bailey! I love your theme of adventure. If I were to describe the epic in one word, it would be an adventure. It was also a nice touch to get the theme of adventure in each story. Starting with your first page, your background image was a bit pixelated. It might be a good idea to add a higher quality image. This is your reader's first impression of your blog, so you might as well leave a good one. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your stories. It is nice how they are set in a city, this makes your main image have more significance. How did you get the idea to make the stories of Rama set in a more city-esque setting? By the end of your two stories, I gained a new perspective of the epics. Keep up the good work, I have no comments on your writing. It was very easy to follow.
ReplyDeleteHey Bailey! I love you banner photo! I think it is always nice to have a skyline. It really ties your adventure theme together. However, it is slightly pixelated so I would try to find a more higher quality photo since it is a first impression you give your readers. The pixelation draws away from the experience. I love the amount of detail you place into your stories. They are really descriptive and very fun to read! The first story was so cute! It reminds me of many movie story lines, but I love those movies. I can't get enough! I like how you gave background information over Julia. It makes her a more well rounded character! I love how you incorporated a Friends theme into your story. Especially, the photos! It creates a nice setting for your stories. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteHi Bailey! This is my first time getting the chance to read your portfolio. I am writing a portfolio and like to comment on those, but I somehow hadn't seen yours yet! But, I fell upon yours and really enjoyed reading it! I think after reading your first sentence of your first story "A Young Author's Big Adventure" I was hooked because it was very relatable! I really enjoyed your coffee shop imagery as well. However, I had to pause at this point and wonder what your storybook was about/relating to. I then realized there was never a clear, brief introduction before reading any of the stories. I think this would be a helpful addition on your cover page to state your stories and their connections. After realizing this about yours, I think I may add this on mine too! Your pictures that you included were great and really set the scene - especially the Friends one! Great job.
ReplyDeleteHey Bailey! I like your versions of these two stories. I think it is pretty cool that thus far you have stuck with somewhat of a consistent theme in that both stories have been set in New York City. I haven’t really seen much coherence from the other portfolio projects. In your first story the writing is a bit stiff. I am not sure if it was intentional or not but I actually kind of like it. It fits with the character not being very outgoing and being somewhat reserved. For your second story: the first sentence is pretty awkward to read. It just kind of goes on for too long. I think if you broke it up into a couple of sentences it would flow much smoother. Also, in the second story, You refer to both groups of friends as the group of friends. There isn’t any clear way to distinguish which group of people you are talking about and it is really confusing.
ReplyDeleteHey Bailey!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting stories! I really enjoyed reading them! The first one was quite interesting because it made me feel like I was there in that coffee shop with Julia. I like how you took the original story and added a more positive outcome. The use of the time jump was nice, but did seem a little abrupt with regards to the aesthetics of the paragraphs.The character seemed very life like since I was able to relate to her very well. Growing up in Tulsa Oklahoma, I can see a big difference in our personalities when compared to my friends who grew up in bigger cities like New York. One thing I noticed was the descriptiveness of your sentences. That addition provided me a clearer picture of the setting and made it feel more life-like. The only thing I would edit would be the groups of friends you refer to. I think you were alluding to two different friend groups but they could easily be the same groups and that brings some confusion. Anyways, Great Job!
Nice to meet you Bailey!
ReplyDeleteI just got finished up reading your story "Friends help Friends" and I must say it was one of the more enjoyable reads I have encountered throughout the semester. This might be because I am a huge "Friends" fan. I love how you were able to recreate a story form the class into a seamless episode of "Friends". Reading through your story I was not sure what you based it off of because it was so similar to a regular "Friends" episode, but after reading the Author's Note I realized I had not yet read that story you based your story off of. The Author's Note really explained how you were able to connect the two stories, which had a completely different setting, going from the hot desert to downtown. I like the goodhearted feel the story left me with. The ending of her writing about her friends was nice.
Hi Bailey! I can tell you really love Friends. :) I was always more of a Frasier fan but I totally think this fits your theme better.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of the first chapter is a little confusing. I understand after reading it a second time but the fact that we went from present tense to past tense and then back to present again...it sort of threw me off.
I would love for this story to be a bit more fleshed out. It reads like an outline: a thing happened, then another thing and this person felt this way about it. When possible, instead of telling us how people feel, show us. It enriches the story and the characters.
The second story feels more closely related to the source material. I like how you paralleled the Pandavas’ struggles with the Friends’. It felt like an episode I would watch.
However, I think the last installment is your best work. It feels much more vivid, with lots of great detail and a heartwarming ending. Again, I do think doing a little less “telling” would be a great tool for you.
If you absolutely need to explain what’s going on, try finding creative ways to work it into the world you’ve created. Maybe you could have Julia writing down her thoughts about friendship and let that speak to experience, rather than authorial summarization.
Hey Bailey! First of all, I love your layout for the your portfolio. It is very easy to navigate and its clean to look at. I love the image that you have used since the theme matches very well with the image. I like to start with saying that mixing up the tv show "friends" with your story was very nice idea since i really enjoyed friends when i was a kid. I also enjoyed the positive outcome to your story! Authors note was very clear and easily explained the original stories that you have based your story on. Little details that you have included in your story is also very helpful to readers since we can easily visualize your story! Overall, good job and keep up the good work! I will look forward to reading more stories from you.
ReplyDeleteHey Bailey! I really like your storybook. The home page is cool and I really like the background image. The video was a really nice touch and really does a good job to draw people into your stories. It might be helpful, however, to have a written description of your storybook on your home page to give readers a better understanding of what it is all about and how it all ties together. Your first story does a good job of tying the sources into a new story that fits your Friends theme. I think it would be nice to add more dialogue to your stories to make them feel more personal to the reader. There is one line in the first story but there isn't any more in the rest of your storybook. Overall great job with the storybook and I hope to see how you finish it up here at the end of the semester.
ReplyDeleteHi there, Bailey!
ReplyDeleteLet me just startup by applauding your project! I absolutely love that you went with the Friends theme. This makes it so fun for any reader that has watched the Friends series and I am one of those readers. I love all of the pictures you have included as well. This helps your reader understand where the whole theme came from.
One thing I think you could add to your story, "Friends Help Friends" is some dialogue. Dialogue always adds to the characters and I feel like it would be a blast with how awesome the characters are that you would be creating dialogue for. I love the descriptives that you did use throughout as that was also great to get to know the characters a little better and the setting in general.
Thank you so much for sharing and I wish you the best of luck on the rest of your semester!